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Cloutier:  Father Bernard Cloutier

24 September 2013:  Jerome Myre victim impact statement given at Father Bernard Cloutier parole board hearing in Joyceville, Ontario

Del Bianco:  Gabriele Del Bianco

Victim “A” Impact Statement  05 May 2014

Grecco:  Donald Grecco

20 September 2010:  Michael Blum Statement of Claim

Michael Blum Victim Impact Statement

Marshall:  Father William Hodgson Marshall csb

08 December 2011:  Jerry Boyle statement read at Windsor, Ontario Press Conference

Victim Impact Statements read to the court 08 June 2011, Windsor, Ontario after Father William Hodgson Marshall csb entered “guilty” pleas to 16 charges related to sex abuse of 16 victims:

Denis Beland:  Victim Impact Statement

Thomas Haberer: Victim Impact Statement

Beverly McMahon: Victim Impact Statement

Robert J. C. McMahon: Victim Impact Statement

“A”:  Victim Impact Statement

Jerry Boyle: Victim Impact Statement

Patrick McMahon: Victim Impact Statement

Miller:  Father Daniel Miller

17 September 2013:  Victim Impact Statement by mother whose sons were sexually abused by Father Daniel Miller

17 September 2013:  Victim Impact Statement of “Victim C” who was sexually abused by Father Daniel Miller

17 September 2013:  Victim Impact Statement of “Victim B” who was sexually abused by Father Daniel Miller

17 September 2013:  Victim Impact Statement of “Victim A” who was sexually abused by Father Daniel Miller

17 September 2013:  Victim Impact Statement from mother whose son was sexually abused by Father Daniel Miller

Mullins:  Michael Mullins

The Skateboarder

Noel:  Father Levi Noel

03 August 2012: Press Statement re Father Levi Noel’s sex abuse of Denis Theriault and the subsequent cover-up

Picot:  Father Charles Picot

September 2011:  Email exchange between Derek LaPointe and New Brunswick Department of Justice

Prince Albert Diocese (two as yet unidentified priests)

30 March 2012:  Statement of Claim: Joe Basaraba and Roman Catholic Diocese of Prince Albert and The Prince Albert Separate School Board

Sullivan:  Father John E. Sullivan

04 December 2010: Statement of Claim: J.J.J. and John E. Sullivan and the Roman Catholic Episcopal Corporation of the Diocese of Sault Ste Marie


28 July 2012We are morally obliged to protect victims of abuse

117 Responses to Victims

  1. margarita melo says:

    Evil!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with people??? Do u not screen your staff?? Do u not give pyscological testing with screening!!!!!!!!! I am so appaulled and disgusted. Burn in hell u freak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Creep !!!!!!!!!!!!!! pervert!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no mercy for you!!!!!!!!!!! Dirty , Dirty pig!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Dorothy Nugent says:


    • Ron says:

      You speak of Evil, you have no right to judge or condemn anyone, only God can and from the way you speak, I think you need some counselling as well. God bless.

  2. JG says:

    All this after only the second”margarita”!!!!????? I hope you were not getting behind the wheel of your vehicle… Could be very dangerous and you could be asked to provide a “pyscological” or “breath-o-logical” sample!…
    Good use of punctuation, a bit at the extreme of the keyboard and shy of a complete alphabet to explain anything or contribute more than a juvenile graffiti…
    I don’t usually go this way, but it is obvious you are not a “real”person and more of a diversion from more important subjects…Why else would you take all of “three”(3) minutes to read the victim impact statements, if you read anything at all…!!!!!??????!!!!!/////@@@@… I think sabotage is your only purpose! …or else the violence in your words is as a result of seeing some light as you exit the dark room where you keep “your” dark words…!!!!!!
    If by some sad misfortune I am wrong and you are real, should anyone understand you are blaming the victims or anyone other than the abusers for the problems of “the church”…Should an exorcism be performed by the abusers upon their victims???…in your world!

    Please tell us more and don’t worry about being extremely “mellow”…
    …and after one “margarita”, everyone knows you should slow down..!!!!!!!!!????????
    Take some time to meditate and give the christian in you a good bath or shower.
    If you are real, be real.
    Take care.

  3. John says:

    ST. LOUIS, Perry Edward – At the Cornwall Community Hospital on Thursday December 15, 2011. He was 52. Dear father of James, Stephanie, Scott and Chad. Cherished grandfather of Harmony, Keaton, Jack and Billy-Joe. Beloved son of Isabell (Morpaw) St. Louis and the late Leo St. Louis. Also survived by 3 brothers, Michael (Diane), Raymond (Denise) and Keath and 2 sisters, Gail and Cynthia. Friends will be received at the M. JOHN SULLIVAN FUNERAL HOME, 341 Pitt Street (across from city hall) Cornwall on Monday from 9am – 10:30am. Funeral Mass Monday December 19, 2011 at St. Columban’s Catholic Church at 11am followed by cremation. Rite of Committal, Notre Dame Cemetery at a later date. Memorial donations to Canadian Liver Foundation or the Kidney Foundation of Canada appreciated by the family.

    Above is the obituary for Perry St. Louis, a young man who could never find his way out of the cell that he was locked in at a very early age. Perry was the victim of multiple offenders in Cornwall. Perrys’ story went untold at any trials or during the Inquiry, but those that knew him, knew his story well. I would like to say that Perry died far too young, but truth be told with the road that Perry was on I am amazed that he survived as long as he did. The key word in that sentence was “survive”, THAT is what Perry was…..A SURVIVOR. Perry never truly learned how to live, and that is the sadness in Perrys’ life.

    There but for the grace of ____ go I.

    RIP Perry, your struggles are over!!!!

    John Mac Donald

  4. Michel Bertrand says:

    Poor man rob of his childhood and robbed of his life because of criminal selfishness. Prayers. RIP

  5. Michel Bertrand says:

    A song by Lauren Hill

    What becomes of little boys
    Whose dreams are larger
    Than life has ever shown them they should be
    What becomes of little boys
    Whose goals are bigger than anything in their reality
    What happens to young men
    Disappointed once again
    When they find out they’re not supposed to grow
    Do their lives become a lie
    Should they wither up and die
    When they find out they deserve more than they know
    It’s not hard to be confused
    When you find out you’ve been used
    As a sacrifice for other peoples’ gain
    And no matter what they say
    It’s the same thing everyday
    And no one seems concerned about the pain
    What becomes of little boys who make a little too much noise
    When their dreams have flown away beyond the cloud
    Would you rather see them silent
    Would you rather see them violent
    Cuz they never had a reason to be proud

    What becomes of little boys
    What becomes of little boys
    What becomes of little boys

  6. Sylvia says:

    Thank you for passing on the sad news of Perry St. Louis’s death John. May he rest in peace.

  7. Dawn says:

    I too was a victim of Victor Killoran, and I will not call him Father Killoran because he was nothing but a disgusting pedophile. The Catholic church teaches us their is a “hell “if you are bad. But the real hell is being sexually abused by one of their disgusting priests! The church needs to do police checks and check these priests out before they unleash the perv’s on defenceless children!!!!!!!!!!!!


  8. HOWARD SMITH says:


  9. HOWARD SMITH says:


  10. Sylvia says:

    I commend you for speaking up Howard.

    Are you ready to go to police?  If yes, then contact your local police or RCMP and take it from there.  Please make sure you have family and/or friends to support you through he process.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you Howard. 

    • Dennis says:

      Sylvia, other than waiting to see if Howard Smith notices my message, do you have any way of contacting him? I really need to talk with him and I’m quite certain he will want to talk with me also.

      • Sylvia says:

        I will send him an email Dennis, but truly it is best you don’t talk. If you talk to each other a defense lawyer can use that contact to howl ‘conspiracy.’ Don’t give them the chance.

        You should go to police Dennis. Take a day or two to clear your head and contact your local police.

  11. Mike Fitzgerald says:

         Very touching! Thank-you for sharing this about Perry. My hope would be that he IS in peace, and that the low-life scum who caused his pain really feels the heat.      Mike.

  12. Mike Fitzgerald says:

         Thank-you for having the courage to speak up about your abuse. I know it isn’t easy. As Sylvia has said, I would also encourage you to immediately speak to the police. You need to address this matter right away, more for your own good.
        If I, or anyone on this site can help you, let us know!        Mike

  13. maryann says:

    Hello Dawn, this is the first time I have come across another other victim of Killoran’s posting on Sylvia’s site. I believe I may have met you in Toronto about 15 years ago? Did you grow up in K-W? I am trying to find out where Killoran was from about 1961 (when he got moved from Scollard Hall in North Bay)  to about 1964, when he started abusing me and others in my family. If there is anyone out there that can help me fill in the blanks on Killoran’s whereabouts during this time period, I would be most appreciative. Dawn, if you want to contact me, post again to this site and maybe we can make arrangements.
    Thank you,

    • Dawn Martin says:

      Dear MaryAnnn,

      Yes I was in Toronto about 15 years ago or so at a meeting for people abused by priests.  I did grow up in K-W. And I was abused by Killoran. Where are you living now? I would love to meet another survivor, as I have felt alone many times in going through this ordeal. It would be great to meet someone else. I live in London, Ontario now.  Here is my e-mail [deleted] Looking forward to hearing from you.


      • Sylvia says:

        Dawn, I have sent your email address to MaryAnn. I worry about people’s email addresses being posted and available to one and all – spammers included – so I deleted yours, but, as I say, I have sent it on and it will reach MaryAnn.

    • Wayne says:

      Hello Marryann I am glad to meet you, I was also a victim of Victor Killoran in 1967 in Kitchener Waterloo he was there at that time and still abusing children as I was 7 years old then. I am just now going after the church and would love to speak with you so I have asked Sylvia to pass my e-mail on to you so that you can talk to me if you would like . I hope to hear from you take care.

  14. JG says:


    You previously asked to be notified of difficulties posting; tried to post under Dorothy Nugent’s post here and there is no way. I have to post following all the other entries. The last time I tried it was to reply to Michael Jensen under the ”Picot” tread…all I got was a *… so I stopped trying! I would say this is at least a few months like this.

    To Dorothy Nugent: Thanks for posting here and getting me to read my post of July 9th of 2011. I don’t remember what was going on elsewhere on the site but I remember taking the post by “Marguarita Melo” as an attack on this site and the victims. It was the first anniversary of my Father’s passing and I may have been overly sensitive…and entering my fourth or fifth month on this site.

    Which brings me to sincerely and profoundly apologize to the person who posted as “Marguarita Melo” if that person was a victim or someone affected by one of these abusers. I’m truly at a loss for words if in my determination to defend the victims I inadvertently hurt one of them in the “mish-mash”of exchanges.

    So sorry.


  15. Jo-Anne Morris says:

    Sylvia thanks for this.
    My husband was abused by a priest -Des O’Neill (now deceased) who was a family friend- All while his father was dying.

    This secret was not revealed for many years. I found out by accident after a flippant comment by another priest. When I said that my husband used to work at the Catholic Truth Society as a teacher- Father Tony McNamara commented “oh, he was part of Des’ harem”…. I was sick to my stomach.

    His family turned on him and asked him to speak on Des’ behalf when Des was brought to trial. When Des was dying of cancer- he asked my husband to forgive him. My husband who has never said an unkind word in his life said ” I hope he has a lot of pain”

    My husband’s refusal to let our sons be alone all made sense.

    I believe that if my husband could find wholeness- his life would be better. He is tentative and withdrawn- He deserves more than he has…He deserves peace of mind.

    • Sylvia says:

      This is so sad Jo-Anne. First, that your husband was sexually abused by a priest; second that O’Neill used the death your husband’s father as an occasion to molest; third, that O’Neil molested the son of a man he had made a death-bed conversion; and fourth, that your inlaws turned on your husband,

      And another thing which bothers me. I can’t help but wonder how many clergy knew that Father Desmond O’Neill was in fact a predator and watched in silence when he was acquitted in 1991, and even then remained silent?

      Your husband is fortunate indeed to have you at his side. I know too that it is a difficult road for you – so hard to see someone you love suffer and feel so incapable of making things right. I have talked to a number of wives whose husbands endured sexual abuse at the hands of a priest- wives suffer too. It’s a different kind of suffering, but they suffer. The same holds true for many parents.

      My thoughts and prayers are with you both. I will email you privately.

  16. Rick Vassallo says:

    I have just completed a course in anti human trafficking. It was put on by the Alliance against Human slavery. It was a fantastic course. I was doing it because I volunteer for a crisis line for victims of human trafficking.

    In the week long course that was presented by two excellent women one of who is a ‘survivor’ I had an epiphany. I came to understand the ‘severity’ of an incident that occurred with Father Ron Kelly of St. Patrick’s Church in Mississauga.

    I had been molested by Father Ron Kelly at St. Patrick’s Church in Mississauga back when I was 16. My mother had sent me to him because I was being truent at school. He molested me in the rectory. He had attempted to get me interested in going to basball games with him also and offering to give me money to help me move out of my family home. He actually helped me move out of my parents house, I suspect in order to be able to continue to have ‘access’ to me.

    My mother did not believe me when I told her. As an ardent Catholic, She essentially accused me of lying to her. Sitting through this course I began to have ‘flashbacks’ of that time. My life became a living hell in just trying to cope with life. I have had lifelong problems with my parents as a result of them not believing that this priest had abused me. I entered into the sex trade and became a male prostitute. I am healthy, HIV negative today, and do not a criminal record or any lifelong blemish. But I am extremely angry. I have spent $15,000 on my own therapy. I have had a deep sense of not being whole for many years. Because I did not identify myself as a sexual abuse survivor I did not understand the impact of this event until I took the anti trafficking course. It showed the symptoms and responses people who are survivors have and the reasons people will ‘choose’ to work in the sex trade. Largely it is an unconscious response to abuse, that you feel that is your ‘worth’ that it drops to nothing or close to nothing. I had never considered the two events as combined before last week. It was like a light went off. I was seeing the situation again in a completely different light. I was beginning to have more forgiveness for myself, and not feel that it was a ‘moral failing’ that made me choose what I chose.

    At the time I thought it wasn’t abuse simply because he fondled me through clothes. However the violation was the same. To see his name come in in countless other abuses makes me realize that he is a very, very sick man.

    To anyone reading this, I would like to know what can I do at this point to gain some restitution? My mother is aware of the situation and she now supports me. She is a long standing member of the Parish and she knows I am not making this up, nor was I ever.

    I am now 50 years old and in some respects I feel like this experience has long been in the past. Now I’m not sure it is still affecting me but I also want closure on it as well….


    Rick Vassallo

    • Sylvia says:

      If you are ready Rick you can go to police and possibly have charges laid. He is still alive. In the event that you decide to pursue that course I suggest you say no more on Sylvia’s Site about your allegations against Ron Kelly. Should you decide to go to police you can contact your local police and let them take it from there.

      You can also sue. I personally would suggest that if you want to see charges laid that you do that first, and, when the criminal part is all over, – again if you wish to do so – contact a lawyer to initiate a lawsuit.

      It’s good to hear that your mother is now supportive of you. Like many parents of those days she probably had not the slightest clue that a priest could or would do anything untoward to a child. This is probably very hard on her too.

      Which ever path you choose Rick, criminal, civil or both, the ideal is to have at least one person who knows and cares for you supporting you throughout the process.

      My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sta in touch.

    • Michel says:

      Rick, I am so sad to read about what has happened, but it is all so true what you say, had I also told my parents about my abuser they would not have believed me. I also was attacked in the Church, my perpetrator was so sick he decided to attack me in the confessional itself, I was seven and now I am 59 and it feels like just yesterday. I still have dreams about this and sometimes people say, oh you must forgive and forget, such an easy thing to say unless it has happened to you. This Priest has robbed me of everything that I could have been, instead, I have managed to go through life from age 7 to now with success, but I always wonder how much better I could have been, how much more I could have accomplished. I know that what he did to me at age 7, affected me form that point on and for that I feel truly robbed. I will see this through and will continue to fight until I die, I can never undo what has happened to me and I can never forget. What I can do is continue be strong until the Catholic Church finally apologizes to me for what this Priest did to me. I believe that is the least they can do.

  17. Linda says:

    Hi Rick,

    You may also wish to read another page here on Sylvia’s site about Ron Kelly, which may help you determine which path you will take.

    You have many people’s thoughts and prayers with you Rick! All the best!

  18. Mike Mc says:

    “And another thing which bothers me. I can’t help but wonder how many clergy knew that Father Desmond O’Neill was in fact a predator and watched in silence when he was acquitted in 1991, and even then remained silent?”

    Every now and then a statement or quote will really hit me and this was it…above! Wow. You are so right Sylvia. Some priests knew…even if they were confessors.TheyKNEW! And to watch him being acquitted….wow if that doesn’t reek of evil and wrongdoing.

    To Rick, Sylvia’s advice is good. Proceed with it. For the priests that I knew that were accused of being sexually abusive, I couldn’t at first believe. Gave them the benefit of the doubt in my mind. This site has opened up my mind and I see this as a major problem within the Church….. as well as the coverups by priests and Bishops etc. So Rick, your going to the police is a good start to exposing this man even more as well as helping you to any recovery you might need. Good luck!

  19. Rick;
    Very often the extent of the victimization is not know for many, many years. As is in my case, I am aware that the extent of my damage is still not known to me, nor may never be fully realized. Such is probably the case for you. Your defence mechanisms are deeply rooted in you, and they work great until some event in your life triggers memories, and the flood gates open.
    If you need help, we are all here for you. Please above all else, take Sylvia’s advice. She has been such a comfort and source of support for all of us.
    Above all else, go to the police when you are ready. Mike.

  20. Father Ron Kelly has quite the past record, and some of it is actually recent! Mike.

  21. Brenda Brunelle says:

    I echo all of what has been written on this site. Sylvia has been doing this for a very long time and she knows what she is talking about.

    As for us survivors, we understand and suffer along side of you. I hope you do report this to the police. I hope that in the midst of all this turmoil you find some rest or even peace in all of Sylvia’s bloggers’ that are supporting you and understanding exactly the journey you are taking on.

    I wish for you peace.


  22. jenny says:

    Time to have women as priests – we see what crimes men priest are capable of !!!!

    • Darlene says:

      I agree, Jenny…..for a number of reasons. The practices of the Catholic faith are so outdated in so many ways; not allowing women to be priests being one of them. The protestant religions have had female ministers for many years. But I still say that if the Catholic church would let their priests marry (or at least have relationships with women), there may not be as many problems as there are now.

      • Tim says:

        Darlene and others:
        I am Catholic, and will be till the day I die!
        I am also very displeased by the sexual abuse by Priests and Nuns in the Catholic Church.
        But, I think we need to clear the air again.
        Not all Priests, or Nuns have been or will be abusers. The vast majority did NOT offend.
        It is curious that people who visit this and other sites, once they get a chance to jump on the Catholic Church, they do so with a vengeance. That is not Christian.
        It does not happen in the cases of the Jewish Faith, or Protestant clergy, where , percentage wise, the numbers are much higher.
        I strongly believe some find it just too easy here to bash- without reserve, the Catholic Church.
        Sylvia is also Catholic.
        When you bash Catholics, you also bash us.

        • Leona says:

          I am not anti-catholic in anyway. I am pro- child safety, pro-truth and pro-justice. What have you and all the priests and nuns who you refer to done to speak out about this evil in the church? Sylvia has done wonders to shine a light to expose the truth. We ae complicit when we sit quietly on the sidelines that others will do the work. It is only due to the courage and bravery of the victims that we know of the evils. if it were up to the church alone, this would all still be secret.

          • Tim says:

            Leona, before you were ever on this site I was dealing with these matters in many different ways. When you first posted on the site, I was one of the first to contact you, letting you know that I and my wife knew Jack McCann.
            I even suggested if you wished to I could contact you privately through Sylvia.
            I also posted encouraging you to keep it together, and not give up on God.
            Then you got involved with SNAP, and now you are an authority. Tim

        • Darlene says:


          I am also Catholic, and I am not “bashing” anyone. I did not say that all priests are abusers. And I am not naive enough to think that abuse doesn’t happen with other religions either. It certainly does.

          What I said was that the Catholic Church is very outdated in their way of thinking, which includes not letting women enter the priesthood or letting priests have relationships with women.

          Other examples would include their views on birth control, premarital sex, excluding people of other faiths from receiving the Holy Eurcharist if they attend a Catholic mass (that one REALLY annoys me).

          I don’t post very much, but I have been following this site for many years. When I do post my opinion about something, it is simply just that…………mine.

          • Tim says:

            Darlene, you really do not want the Catholic Church- you want some other Church made to what you want it to be, and then it certainly would not be the Holy Roman Catholic Church.

        • Lina says:

          Victims/survivors of clergy abuse deal with their issues and crimes against them in different ways.

          Many victims find “Sylvia’s” site helpful for info and support. While others like to get their info, help and comfort from other support groups (websites) and while some victims are only able to deal with their pain and ordeal on one to one with a professional counselor, etc…

          Sylvia has certain guideline rules for this site as she stated more than once about other clergy abuse victims’ help groups especially an organization like S.N.A.P. I understand and respect that.

          Many clergy abuse victims don’t do well within a group like S.N.A.P. while others victims thrive well in that group system. That’s okay.

          It’s a good that victims/survivors of clergy abuse do have a variety of support systems to choose from and find the one that fits their personal needs.

          If victims decide to seek other sites for help such as “Sylvia’s”, they should feel welcome but at the same time respect Sylvia’s guidelines as any other visitor.

          • Darlene says:

            “Rudeness is the weak person’s impersonation of strength”.

          • Sylvia says:

            Thank you Lina. You remind me that there is something which I must do sooner than later, specifically put together an “About” page which covers the guidelines :).

          • Lina says:

            Sylvia, you know I’ve done my share of ranting and venting myself at this site. (as well at another website)
            I’ve been disciplined not only by yourself Sylvia and others to cool it so to speak and RIGHTLY so.

            Think about a mother who finds out her son was sexually abuse by a priest who she trusted and now all the family feels betrayed by this abuser and the Catholic Church officials. This woman wants help and justice for her son. The last thing she wants to deal or hear about at Sylvia’s Site is topics like birth control, should there be female priests, should they let priests marry or what about the Gay Lobby…etc…

            Of course, these are valid concerns for many of us and I myself tend to agree with a lot of the posting that Darlene, Leona and others shared here at this site.

            But I also understand how easily those topics can derailed the main purpose of this website.

            As for organizations, such as “BishopAcountability”, “S.N.A.P.”, “Sylvia’s Site” and others similar to it, these support groups would not even exist if the Catholic Church leaders/officials would had done their job correctly in the first place and nip this clergy abuse scandal in the bud instead of lying and hiding it.

            I just don’t understand why these men of the cloth did not see this scandal would erupt one day. They were warned so many times throughout many decades. What was their reasons? Was it pride? Did they believe God would protect them no matter what?

            All I know, this major problem is one thing they can’t officially blame on the female gender. These men screwed up badly their God given responsibility.

            The present day Pontiff, Cardinals, Bishops and all the other Catholic clergy better find a way to fix this scandal. When they do, just maybe websites like “Sylvia’s Site” and “S.N.A.P.” can cease to exist.

        • Michel says:

          Tim, I so agree with you and it is always the few that end up making it bad for everyone else. I not only was sexually abused by he Parish Priest but also physically abused by the 2 Nuns, Teachers form the day I started school. It was endless torture all because I was born left handed. It was the worse curse I could have been born with. The shame that I endured just for being left handed is simply just plain Bad all around. I grew up with such low self esteem simply for being left handed. I believe in God and always will, I truly know that it was not God who did this to me, but God’s apprentices, i.e.: Nuns and Priests. I still cannot put a pen in hand, without feeling like a piece of garbage, all because the pen I hold is in my left hand…..

      • Jackie says:

        You must realize that being married has nothing to do with the perversion of molesting children. Many married people still become pedophiles. Do not confuse the two.

  23. Lina says:

    Jenny, I don’t know if women priests would be any better but the Catholic Church said over and over, no to women priests. Maybe we will see permanent female deacons one day? One can hope.

    Long time ago, it was not unusual for a parish to have 3 to 4 priests. Now, that’s not the case.

    An elderly aunt is frustrated about the priests’ shortage.

    She’s angry with priests who hurt children and priests who abuse their position of power to cover-up the hurting of these children. (and rightly so)

    Nevertheless, she said before all these men become priests they should all be castrated.

    She honestly believes this will solve priests doing bad things to kids, these men would be better priest because of this castration and plus, it would solve the priest shortage problems.

    She wants to see and bring back credibility to the priesthood.

    I believe my husband’s aunt was just venting.

    After hearing what this elderly lady said, I can have some understanding why so many men of the cloth fear females in position of power in the Church.

    No matter which way you look at it….this is scary stuff.

  24. Leona says:

    Tim, I am by no means an authority, and I most definitely have not given up on God. I am amazed at where this journey has taken me and just when I’m ready to let go, and another victim contacts me seeking support. I allowed my name to stand as a contact person on the West Coast despite my cautious nature regarding any organizations because I knew how important it was to me to have someone who’d travelled the road before me.

    • Tim says:

      When we first made contact, you were not using your own name, and I was using 1abandoned sheep.
      I tried to coax you to take ownership of your hurt and deal with it.
      I was sexually abused before you were born.

      • Leona says:


        I’m curious about your statement ” I tried to coax you to take ownership of your hurt and deal with it”. I certainly don’t need coaxing. I do believe that I’ve done a very good job of taking ownership of the cards dealt to me. Before this site even existed I stood up against my entire church community to expose Fr. McCann as a predator. I later exposed him to you and your wife by taking action through SNAP to alert the media to his reinstatement in Ottawa. Were it not for me, you may still be sitting in your kitchen chatting with him believing him to be on of the “vast majority (of priests who) did NOT offend.”

  25. 1yellowknife says:

    Tim: I wonder if you could provide me with the evidence/research which supports your statement: “… Jewish Faith, or Protestant clergy, where , percentage wise, the numbers are much higher”. Thank you.

    • Tim says:

      The numbers I relied upon came out in a Catholic blog last year, I am not sure now which one.
      If the comment bothers you, just forget it
      Follow what is going on in the Inquiry in Australia, and make up your own mind..
      One caseof child sex abuse is too many, no matter the religious connotations.

  26. Joan O'farc says:

    You coward.
    1yellowknife asked a question! After you shot out a bunch of ‘facts’ unfounded.
    Facts to diminish the truth, the impact of the catholic clergy’s awareness – so many of them watched and were aware and sheltered those beasts during and after their utterly dehumanizing, destruction of innocence.
    First, to have sourced those ‘facts’ from a catholic blog? Are you that naive?
    Second, to just toss it away after citing your hyperbole with ” just forget it” Is in any corner of this world shaded or unshaded, unmitigated moral treachery. and yes in the definition of that word ‘treachery’ lies the description of one utterly unfaithful.

    You have absolutely no clue of the workings or psychodynamic of Jewish or Protestant leaders of faith, and you are akin to those who have watched and covered up for catholic clergy in every province, most states and virtually every country in the world for the last, what 1000 years or let’s just say the since the Spanish inquisition.
    Typical of all the others who have diminished, denied or maintained this dark politic, you’re probably gone now, somewhere else, rooting up other ways to pervert that truth. Gone when you are called on something. We’ve had to deal with cowards like you forever.
    How about :
    “One of John Paul’s great shames was giving Vatican sanctuary to Cardinal Bernard Francis Law, a horrendous enabler of child abuse who resigned in disgrace in 2002 as archbishop of Boston.”nytimes.
    Now he’s your newest patron saint. “Just forget it”

    • A Victim/Survivor says:

      Bravo Joan, your words speak volumes about that man, Tim, who hides behind ignorance and foolish beliefs. As a victim/survivor of a priest who abused me when I was 10 to 12 years old I have so much to say. I am in litigation now so I am not at liberty to discuss much more than I have below, which may be too much already. This man Tim is no friend of us survivors, he is a defender of the catholic church and their abusive priests, I am not sure why Sylvia allows this man to say the things he does to hurt the very people he purports to help or support. I am ashamed to think that he is a survivor yet tends to side with the church to defend these monsters, Hiding when asked a question of proof shows that he really hasn’t a clue. Tim is a coward. I too am a coward, only for completely different reasons. My hatred of myself shows no bounds, my self esteem, of which I have little or none enforces my guilt and pain for the last 53years I am 63 now married to a woman who supports me to the nth degree, how much longer this can last is a question only my wife is able to answer now. Thank you for calling out this man Tim for what he is…. you are a brave woman and I have only the greatest admiration for you. Thanks again peace and happiness to you and to your family and friends.

      • cv says:

        I read your post and noticed that it was submitted quite recently. Thank you for sharing part of your story as I know how incredibly difficult it is to do. You are stronger than you may think. What happened to you was not your fault. You were an innocent child.

        I am reminded of a lovely quote that might be worth remembering as you go through your healing process:

        “When we speak we are afraid that our words will be unheard or unwelcome. But when we are silent we are still afraid. So it is better to speak” – Audre Lorde

        Sending healing to you and your wife.

  27. Andy Hearn says:

    I was in Mount Cashel from 1973-1975, I was seven years old when I was placed in there. I am currently taking medication for depression and anxiety. However, the way my head was smashed against a concrete floor by Brother English while I was in there, has left me with a slow mind and I seem to be a very slow learner. This assault caused severe Amnesia that I have never fully recovered from. I am quite nervous as I type this text; there are long and short pauses between every few letters. This pause I experience is like a temporary void of emptiness. Like my mind becomes nonexistent – total thoughtlessness. But when I think normal I can think deeply about the entire universe, and then, by comparison, my personal problems become so small. It is just that when I do have these brief moments of thoughtlessness, anxiety starts to take over. I was tortured by Brother Joseph Burke as he tied me hand and foot to a chair and blindfolded and gagged me, then he beat me until blood ran down my little legs. I was sickened when the supreme court of Canada overturned his convictions. I was outraged when Burke put on a pretense of innocence in front of a CBC news camera. I feel very sad and very offended especially today because I just discovered a website that cruelly and deliberately misrepresents the horrifying reality of what Mount Cashel was, and in my broken mind still is. The name of this evil lying website is: – I wish the persons responsible for the false information on this website were standing in front of me so I could put them to death. Yes, that is a serious threat, but they really deserve ti die without compassion, because they are without compassion. That web site has made me feel violated and re-abused. This website should be taking down the same way Mount Cashel was torn down.

  28. Andy Hearn says:

    Thank you for making this honest website, I hope my previous comment was not too upsetting to you. I guess it seemed I needed to tell the truth. Why didn’t Burke serve time in prison? Why is the legal system in my country so weak? If only the supreme court of Canada heard my testimony, they would have increased Burke’s sentence. The Newfoundland Constabulary refused to listen to me, they never gave me a voice in court, I hate them for that.

    • PJ says:

      Andy…because of the courage of the men who testified at the Mount Cashel Inquiry, I found the courage to come forth and charge the pervert collar who abused me and about 13 other altar servers! I have always admired the Mount cashel survivors for what they did and that goes for you too! Hold your head up high Andy, I consider you courageous as well.

    • Sylvia says:

      Why did the RNC refuse to listen to you Andy? Did you know?

      I too was upset when I realized that Burke did not spend any time in jail. I believe many others were as well. You are not alone.

      • Andy says:

        I had many obstacles to overcome over a period of 20 years 1975-1995. One day a christian woman, a friend, said to me that an important step in my recovery would be to resolve my past by getting professional counsel. The counselor I found was a university professor and worked as a private Psychologist, and he also worked for the children’s aid society. He said I should go to the local police station within the Ontario city I was then living in, and make a statement that would be sent to the Newfoundland Con. Shortly after, I flew back to Newfoundland in the summer of 1996, only to be told by the Constabulary that my statement was not enough to pursue new charges against Burke. The Harris lawyer that managed Shane’s case took me on as an additional client in the class action. I told the police I didn’t want money, I only wanted Burke to go to jail for a very long time, (and hopefully not survive prison). Some time later, after I returned to Ontario, Harris called me in either late November or very early December ’96 with a very crappy offer of settlement money, an offer so low it made me feel like a prostitute getting paid for services rendered. I felt very depressed and very suicidal while on the phone with Harris’ colleague that ask me if I was happy about the money. I told her I just wanted to die. But I am still here, and it seams to me that God has given me the will to endure all this crass ugliness in my life. I am grateful to have true christian friends that strengthen my resolve to live for God’s will, not my own. I have to ask you, please comment without asking a question, because it is overwhelming me to talk about it any more. But I thank you for your kind words; thank you for making this website.

        • Sylvia says:

          Thank you Andy.

        • Miecul says:

          Welcome Andy! This site has also been a godsend to me. Many of us here live with different degrees of anger, hurt, shame, and wounded in one way or another for life.

          Like PJ mentioned, you guy’s should hold your heads high. Mount Cashel survivors inspired quite a few in that we don’t have to suffer in silence. More and more cases have seen the light of day or a court room. Maybe not all battles were won with total annihilation, but the light shone through and gave courage to others. Those that slipped through the cracks won’t when they take a dirt nap, because they must first talk to St. Peter. So you see Andy, as much as they tried to keep the truth from coming out, they failed and they are still failing. And until they realize that we won’t be silenced anymore, and we want every brother, priest, sister, bishop, cardinal that ever touched a child for their sexual pleasure, will be defrocked, and stripped of their precious garments, and labelled a sexual predator.

          Take a bow Andy. You give strength to others and might not even know it. I’m saying Thank You.

  29. selina says:

    I have watched you grow over the years and have witnessed your torment. Yet though it all you have been determined to be a better person, a better friend, a better brother and servant of God. I have never known such a loving and generous human being such as yourself. Your pain, your long suffering has not gone unnoticed by many of us. You give what you can of yourself and still where many would have given up, you keep going. You are absolutely right, this will one day be done away with and be a thing of the past. You have strength and determination like no one I have ever known. Don’t leg go, hang on. The time is reduced.

  30. André says:

    Dear Andy:

    It is put so well in Scripture: “The sins of some men are publicly known, leading directly to judgment, but those of other men become evident later. In the same way also, the fine works are publicly known and those that are otherwise cannot be kept hidden.” (1 Timothy 5:24-25) You have seen that in real life from a unique perspective, one from which some despair. Yet, I know that you continue to hope of better days ahead, and as you do, you seek to engage in fine works. May you be blessed for that, my friend. And may you have peace of mind, heart, and spirit, knowing that you are not the source of your profound hurt you suffered; you are the victim.

    Days are coming in which will be fulfilled the wonderful promise found at Isaiah 65:17: “For look! I am creating new heavens and a new earth; And the former things will not be called to mind, Nor will they come up into the heart.” There is no reason to doubt that better days are ahead for you and those like you who have endured so much pain inflicted by selfish criminals, many of whom have not been brought to justice. Yet Galatians 6:7-9 puts evildoers on notice while also reassuring us in saying: “Do not be misled: God is not one to be mocked. For whatever a person is sowing, this he will also reap; because the one sowing with a view to his flesh will reap corruption from his flesh, but the one sowing with a view to the spirit will reap everlasting life from the spirit. So let us not give up in doing what is fine, for in due time we will reap if we do not tire out.”

    I sincerely hope and pray that you never give up in the fight of the fine faith! And that you will have a great reward for enduring in doing what is fine with the knowledge of what God has written in His word at Romans 12:19: “‘Vengeance is mine; I will repay’” He sees all and will act… How we look forward to that glorious day!

  31. Michel says:

    I cannot believe I have found this site after so many years searching the internet wondering if I was, am the only victim of my perpetrator. I was born in Chapleau Ontario 1956 and was schooled at the Sacred Heart School and attended Church there as well. The Abuse that I endured form the Nuns teaching there at the time not to mention also the Physical, Sexual and Mental abuse by the Parish Priest during the year up to 1965 when we moved away to another city far away. If anything I may have learned at Catholic School then it was only through fear and 90 % off the curriculum was religion. I was born left handed, told the devil was in me and that I was an ingrate. My Sister Nun Teacher Sister Marie Reine was a total monster in my eyes. I was made to stand out in the cold, yes winter Chapleau cold, outside in my stocking feet for hours because I was left handed. Made to sit on a stool at the front of the class with a Dunce Hat, for being left handed. I was slapped in the face so hard by her that her ring left an in print on my ckeak, all because when asked a Holy Question from the bible I did not respond quick enough. She first struck me in the head with her bible and the pages flew all over the floor, she was so angry, made me pick up the pieces of her bible and when I handed them to her I was slapped in the face so hard I landed on the corner on the floor with her ring in print on my cheek. I was also beaten by the Parish Priest while walking in front of the Sacred Heart Church, where he would hind behind the statue of the Scared Heart Statue and wait for his prey. This was a regular practice on his part and many a town people knew of this. On this day walking to school after lunch, I was walking past the church and forgot to tip my hat which was a sign or respect to the Lord, ( the was customary your boys would tip their hate and young girls would curtsy) he jumped out from behind the Statue, proceeded to beat me with my cap, I was on the cement sidewalk in the fetal position trying to cover any, every part of my body to avoid his strikes. He then picked me up by the shrug of my neck and walk me into the church, my feet barely touching the ground and threw me in the Confession Box only to return and sexually abuse me. It was so horrifying, after he was done with me he sent to school running and because I was late for class I ended up getting the strap from my teacher Sister Marie Reine.
    Now this is suppose to be a safe, Catholic Environment. I to this day have no respect for the Catholic Church, their Staff, Priests and Nuns all due the abuse I sustained and all in the name of God.
    Thank you anyone for reading this!!! Thank you so much for giving me a voice.
    There is so much more I could tell about my experiences at the hands of the Catholic Church and it’s shocking past.

  32. Miecul says:

    Was the priest brought up on charges Michel? It was certainly a different time. They had all the power and abused it, not all, but a good many of them. Thanks for sharing.

  33. Leona says:

    Michel, your heartfelt sharing of your story has nearly brought me to tears. I’m glad you were able to find a voice. The shame is theirs. You are not alone.

  34. Michel says:

    Sylvia, I have searched and the name of my priest and the Nun’s names are not there either however there are so many, I guess he may not yet be registered. Sister Marie Reine and Sister Marie George of Sacred Heart School in Chapleau ON are also not listed. I wonder if there is even a registry for the Nun’s who abused and there were many. Possibly there is not yet a Registry for Nun’s.
    Thank you so very much for your response.
    As I write this I am shaking still at the memories of these abuses. I am 58 years old and these memories haunt me to this day and are as clear as if they happened just days ago.

  35. Michel says:

    Harsh and Cruel Punishment for being left Handed

    My first day in class was for me the beginning of my hell and abuse to follow simply because I was left handed. I was told that the devil was living inside me and that my fate was hell until I became right handed. It was not to be and all the abuse and shame placed upon me never did make me right handed. My older brother of 7 years was also left handed and through the abuse and shame by these Catholic Teachers he became right handed. He later in life at age 25 had his first epileptic seizure which I consider could be a contributing factor from the years of abuse.

    Because I was left handed the Nuns would advise the classmates that I was possessed by the devil and would go to hell. They apologized to my fellow students for being inferior to them and that it was not my fault that the devil was within me. The cruel punishments for left handed students were quite varied.

    I was constantly looking over my left shoulder, never knowing when the teacher walking up and down the classroom isle would catch me writing with my left hand. It happened on a regular basis and I paid the price for just being left handed. Once caught writing with my left hand, I quick and sharp stick on my left hand followed by the may varied punishments and full explanation to the entire classroom of the reason for this punishment. The following are examples of the many varied punishments.

    I was made to sit on the stool in front of the classroom with the dunce hat on my head and could be there all day facing my classmates.

    I was made to stand outside in my stocking feet and no coat in the bitter winter chill with my hands crossed and told not to move until I was called back

    I was made to kneel down on the steel floor grates for hours at a time and if caught crouching with my buttocks on my hells would extend the punishment.

    I would have my left hand tied to the chair all day and made to write with my right hand which was an impossible task.

    I grew up to be a very nervous and fearful individual with low self esteem always considering myself less than equal to any of my class mates.

    We also had a few Native Indian Children in my class who were treated much the same for simply being Native Indian.

    All this because the bible states that left handed people are inferior.
    (see below)
    he Bible contains about 25 unfavorable references to the left hand. In the best known example, in the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus says: “When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: and before him shall be gathered all nations: And he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left. Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, ‘Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.’ … Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, ‘Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.'” (Matthew 25:31-34, 41)

    The custom of shaking hands comes from medieval times. When two people met, they would hold each other’s right hand. As weapons were usually carried in the right hand, this would show that neither of them was carrying a weapon. Lefties could not be trusted because they could shake their enemy’s right hand and hold a sword behind them with their left hand.

    This enmity toward lefties can be seen in many languages. For example, in Latin, the word for “left” is sinister, which has come into English meaning “evil.” The French word for “left” is gauche, which in English means “awkward” or “tactless.” The English word left comes from the Old English left, meaning “weak.”

    It’s a wonder that I have made it through life this far and somewhat functional.

  36. Michel says:

    Lampron, Father Gustave – Jesuit Fathers of Upper Canada
    Parish Priest
    Chapleau Ontario
    The Diocese of Hearst

    This Priest was an Angry Individual with Anger Management Issues, who Physically attacked me (age 7 ) in front of the Church, on Church Property, sidewalk then physically walked me into the Church and Sexually Abused me.
    Anyone with similar accounts should report any of these incidents regarding this Priest so that he can be held accountable. For myself. it ha

  37. Michel says:

    S BEEN A LONG JOURNEY – hoping to eventually find closure.

  38. victim says:

    I recently advised the church in Cornwall that I was abused when I was 12 and they made me all theses promises but what I was told and what is happening is completely different.

    • Sylvia says:

      Can you tell us any more? Who have you been dealing with, is it someone from the diocese, or someone at the parish where you were molested?

      Also, were you molested by a priest? and, if yes, has he ever been charged? also has he already been publicly identified as a molester?

      My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    • PJ says:

      I don’t believe that church will do much to help you except stall and hope you go away silently. I feel your pain and can only advise you to go to the police if you are able to. You have made a courageous first step by posting on this website. If there’s anything I or anyone else on this website can do to support you, we will. Just ask.

  39. Mike Mc says:

    Sylvia….Just bringing to your attention three paragraphs from this article out today from the Philadelphia Inquirer about convicted Mons Lynn. This is a ground breaking case that will eventually mean a lot. I hope Australia is watching:

    Lynn was convicted and sentenced after a landmark 13-week trial in 2012 over his role supervising priests accused of sexually abusing children.

    As the Archdiocese of Philadelphia’s secretary for clergy from 1992 to 2004, Lynn was responsible for investigating sexual-abuse complaints made against priests and recommending punishment to the archbishop.

    The jury found that Lynn allowed Rev. Edward V. Avery, who had a history of sexually abusing children, to live in a Northeast Philadelphia rectory, where he later assaulted a 10-year-old altar boy. Avery pleaded guilty in the 1999 attack and is serving five years in prison.

    Mons. Lynn is back in prison. I really hope because of this, many “enablers” like Bishops and Cardinals go to prison too.

  40. Sylvia says:

    Thanks Mike Mac. I just now got it posted:

    01 May 2015: “Judge orders Msgr. Lynn back to prison” & related article

    It sounds as though there is going to be a battle to allow him to return to house arrest while he appeals.

    Is his next and final avenue of appeal the Supreme Court of the United States? I’m just not sure. I think it is, but not pos.

    No matter, any further appeal will cost BIG $$$$$$s! Would insurance cover that? or, is it pick pocket time?

  41. Michel says:

    Father Gustave Lampron was a Jesuit Priest and sent to Chapleau Ontario in the mid 1960, where he abused me and for some reason can find no information on this Priest. It is almost as if all reference to this person has been erased. If anyone knows of any websites that I may not know of, it would be appreciated. There might be a website just fro the Jesuits, which I am searching for myself. Anyone with any information on this Priest or ahas anything to share would so be appreciated. One would wonder if he really existed. Is it possible in this day of age with technology to completely erase a person who has committed a crime?? My search continues. Thank you Sylvia for this site and I am also searching for the little girl in my School Portrait who is seated in the first row, sixth girl from the left. I saw her being abused by Sister Marie Reine and it still pains me to this day. I tried to stop her only to be given the strap and called insubordinate. I feel guilty that I never spoke up again yet the abuse continued.

  42. 1yellowknife says:

    Appears not completely, erased, Michel. Found brief 1956 reference to Father Gustave Lamprom (in an Ontario church history) which I have forwarded to Sylvia at this time. (I can not attach a document here.) Not much – I know – but hope it helps you in your online search.

  43. Michel says:

    Wow, can you believe, I hope that Sylvia can get this info, update for everyone,,,
    I just now received, well a few months ago, September 24, 2015, a response from my lawyer that the statement of claim that I filed had had a response form the Catholic Church. I am now waiting for the Diocese of Hearst to get back to my lawyer. Apparently, the Diocese of Hearst has retained a lawyer on a limited basis and they need to find who the Insurer was at the time of my Incident which dates back to mid 1960. This is the first positive steps I have heard in years since I retained my Lawyer.

  44. Michel says:

    Thank you much for your input and what you may have found. I have not received a reply yet from Sylvia, but hope that this message will get me a response in the next few weeks. I am unaware if I am able to send you my e-mail on this site or if it is possible. I will await a response form someone wondering if we can share e-mails on this site. I will await response using caution.. Michel
    again thank you very much 1yellowknife. from the bottom of my Heart!!!

    • Sylvia says:

      That is good news that things are finally moving along for you Michel.

      I will send you my personal email address, although you can contact me personally by clicking on the “Contact Sylvia” button on the black horizontal menu under the picture. After we have made contact I will add Father Lampron’s name to the list of Accused.

      Father Lampron was ordained 01 July 1935.

  45. Mike Fitzgerald says:

    I wish you all the best in your quest for some justice! The only reference I can find about Fr. Gustav Lampron is an obituary from Drummondville Que., which indicates that he died on Dec. 5, 2013 at the age of 78. I suspect that this may not be the right person, as the age doesn,t appear to match.
    I will continue searching as best I can. All the best. Mike.

  46. Sylvia says:

    I am now starting a page with information on Father Gustave Lampron and adding his name to the Accused list. As soon as I have it together I will let everyone know.

  47. Michel says:

    I am now searching for any information on the two Nun’s who were also employed at the Sacred heart School which I attending during the years 1961 – 1965. The Mother Superior, of the convent and the Principal of the School, Sister Marie-Reine, my not have sexually abused me however she did Physically and Emotionally abuse me from the onset of me starting School, simply for being left handed. Back then, left handed pupils, were said to be possessed by the devil and evil in every way. I was constantly being told that I was going to hell, that I had the devil in Me and she had the entire class also believing this. I had my left hand tied behind my back and forced to write with my right hand, then I was struck with pointer stick if I ever was caught writing with my left hand and punished. The punishment could be in many different ways, such as being made to sit at the head of the class on the stool with the dunce hat on my head. I was made to kneel on the steel grates on the floor for hours upon hours until my knees almost bled. If I were caught, having my buttocks resting on my heels then the punishment would be extended. I was also made to stand outside in the cold northern Ontario Winter in my stocking feet outside the school entrance until I was called back in by the Nun. I was constantly being labelled a child of the devil to my classmates. I was prevented from going to recess because of being left handed and made to write the alphabet on the blackboard with my right hand while my fellow classmates were at recess. I had my nose broken at the age of 7 when this Nun slapped me in the face for not answering fast enough in the hallway to the question, “name the three names in God” I was caught by surprise and terrified and unable to speak, I was first hit on the head with her Bible which fell on to the floor in hundreds of pieces, only to be told to pick all the pages up and hand them back to her. Once I handed them back to her, I was slapped in the Face with such pressure that I landed in the corner and she had left her ring imprint on my cheek. When I went home for lunch my mother, my other asked me what the mark on my face was and I immediately started to cry and tell her that I was sorry for not knowing the answer to the question that Sister Marie Reine had asked me. I did know the answer which was in fact, ” the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit” but because I could not answer in a timely fashion I was beaten. My Mother told me to stop crying and that she would walk back to School with me which she did. She told that Nun that If she ever laid hands on me again that she would answer to her (My Mother). She never touched me again, but made my Life a living hell. All this in the name of God and for simply being a left handed student. My Brother who is older by 7 years also left handed went through the same treatment by the same Nun’s and my Mother also had to intervene. These Nun’s did eventually make my Brother become right handed however later in Life at the age of 25, he had his first Epileptic Seizure, to which I say could have been a contributing factor , but this is only my opinion. They were however never able to make me a right handed person, and to this day, I am still a left handed person however with many emotional scars.

  48. Michel says:

    Further information received regarding Father Gustave Lampron, who pas Pastor at Sacred Heart Church Parish Chapleau Ontario
    This Priest was part of the Monfort Missionaries
    They do have a site that you can review

  49. Michel says:

    Is anyone familiar with the issue called The Word??
    I need an article printed July 17, 1952 which reads in part
    ” Fr. Gustave Lampron, a missionary priest of Foley, Ontario, photographed near his own sea[lane in Drummondville Airport”

    Can anyone please find this article or at least let me know where to locate it, I really would like the photograph of the Priest and his plane..
    Thank you to anyone who can help me.


  50. Michel says:

    I have been in touch with the Archives Dept. Drummondville regarding the article mentioned with respect to Father Gustave Lampron visiting family in Drummondville, and he flew his Seaplane, the article was found however they do not have the photograph of Father Lampron and his plane. I will continue to search. The Word, must be a Catholic Publishing, maybe a Catholic Newsletter that was issues back in 1952. In french it may have been called La Parole, seeing as this was taking place in Drummondville, QC.
    If anyone has any idea or cash help me find this article it would be very much appreciated.
    I also want to thank Sylvia again for this site and all the work that she has done for everyone here. It is truly appreciated. You are a wonderful person Sylvia and I am very grateful to you . Michel

  51. Michel says:

    Back from Quebec with the copy the Article in the Drummondville Paper as indicated above. The entire article I have a copy of and plan to translate into french. I will send this to Sylvia for her perusal. Very interesting that the article indicates photo of Father Gustave Lampron next to his seaplane however they could not provide me with a picture of him. Why does it seem to me that many pictures of Priests and Nuns all of a sudden go missing over the course of the years. I am bound determined to try and find pictures of the abusers, in my case, Sister Marie George, Sister Marie Reine and Father Gustave Lampron, all from Sacred Heart Church and School in Chapleau ontario.
    Happy NewYear to all who read this site the best of 2016
    May this year bring Peace, stop Wars and Crimes all over the World. Health and Happiness to All.

  52. Michel says:

    Well, can you believe that after all these years I have been able to find pictures of the 2 Nuns who beat the heck out of me for being left handed. Finally, there is hope and I know that God does work in mysterious ways. Anyhow, Soeur Marie Reine and Soeur Marie George of Sacred Heart School, Chapleau, Ontari0, Diocese of Hearst, rest assured that I will post your pictures very soon so that everyone can put a face to their names. These two Nuns, used their authority and in the name of God tormented so many of us young Children during the course of their Teaching Career. For Shame and may everyone affected and tormented by these 2 Nuns finally get to see and remember what you looked like back then in 1964 and what you did to us Victims, of course All In the Name of God. As I look at your pictures even today, all memories come flashing back to me as if it were just yesterday although is has been 52 years.

  53. Rand O says:

    I made a statement to the RCMP in Strathmore, AB about Ken O’Keefe, CSB in September 2013. It went to London, ON police and in February 2014 nothing was done. The police officer was arrogant on the phone and did not seem to take it seriously. I was told Ken O’Keefe was unable to understand the charges. I went to a lawyer in September 2015 and still I am paralyzed with fear. I was molested by Barry G. when I was 10 years old. He is long gone. I find myself each day trying to pick up the pieces. After 55 years I read these comments and know that I am not alone. I go to counselling on a regular basis. Head above the water.

    • Sylvia says:

      So sorry Rand that you fell prey to both of these wolves in sheep’s clothing. And so sorry too that you were one of a number of unfortunate victims to be met by such a lack of compassion and indifference by police.

      Stay strong. And, yes, keep your head above water. You can do it 🙂

      My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  54. Clarence says:

    Shediac was and probably still is a dirty town

  55. JR says:

    Father Pedro Aldea was my priest as a child, and youth worker Nathan Labatt was a friend that used to drive me home from school in high school. I was not abused by either man, and had no idea about their conduct until after the charges were public knowledge (though Labatt did ‘flirt’ with me while I was underage).

    I’m disgusted that these men have so far escaped jail time. These victims were all from my community. The Saskatchewan judicial system needs some serious reform.

  56. JAV says:

    Hi JR

    How was Labatt flirting with you? Was he a church youth worker then?


  57. Jason St-Louis says:

    Kennith Keeler came after me in 1980, I was 8 years old. He was Priest for the Catholic School Board, St-Raymonds High School I believe.The incident occurred at the St-Brigits Summer camp for disadvantaged youth. How terrible that these children already suffering were subjected to this animal. My parents were faculty members and we spent a weekend at the camp. I was offered a motor boat ride by K.Keeler and he proceeded to take me to a secluded part of the lake and attempted to assault me. I blocked out the drama for years and not unit I was 28 that I recalled the horrific events. I lead a successful in life but can’t image how his victims faired considering the abuse they were subjected to on a daily basis. The kids at the camp had hiding spots under the cabins to “escape” from Father Ken. Totally sick.

  58. A victim says:

    Hi Sylvia’ it has been a while since I have spoken with you. I am looking, yet again. for advice or help from you or others who may have some of the same issues I am currently experiencing. We have gone through discovery, had my independent psychologist report completed and my attorney has said that this is now the beginning of the end of the legal portion of my nightmare. Do you ever get messages from other survivors so far along the process telling you that their nightmares are becoming more frequent and far more horrifying. Over the last 2 months my wife has had to awaken me, and it was not an easy task to bring me around to the point I was cognizant of my surroundings. Once awakened and my memory realized what had just transpired I barely made it to the washroom to vomit. Last nights episode was by far the worst, I tried to return to sleep but did not even make it to my bed when I had to return to the washroom to vomit again. I see my therapist tomorrow and will explain the most recent horrors,, while I do like her and I do trust her now, it almost feels like I am paying her to ask and answer all my own questions, when all I truly want from any Dr or therapist is an answer to just a few questions. I have asked this question to many many people, Sylvia and not one person can give me an answer, Wiki, Google, or any other methods of finding answers to simple or difficult questions evades or escapes me. The question I ask is What is Love? some explanations almost make a wee bit of sense to me but for the most part all I can disseminate is love is just a word people say when they are unable to say anything else as a see ya later or a good bye or lets meet again soon. LOVE is nothing but a meaningless word that is convenient to use to end a conversation or close a letter.

    The nightmare last might truly scared the hell out of me Sylvia, that priest did more things to me than he actually did in real life, and now my fear is that this is going to escalate into far more dangerous territory for my self and even more frightening thoughts of it moving into my wife’s already fragile state of her fear for me and my life.

    Since I am not sure that this is an open letter to survivors on your site I would like to know if there are others who are going through similar or even worsening horrors who might be willing to share or help me get through this scary and horrendous situation. I made you a promise a long time ago, same one I made my wife, brothers and family Dr and therapist that I would not harm myself or if I came up with a plan to do anything foolish, I would call or go and seek help from the appropriate services in my village or close by city. So if you are able to maybe connect me with another survivor, I wouldn’t be able to thank you enough. I’ll see my therapist tomorrow, I’ll continue to take my meds and I will try very hard to do my duty in my home, I’ll continue to exercise my body and exercise my brain to the best of my ability to try and keep some semblance of order each day, however I need help from another survivor who could possibly be going through what I am now facing……before the nightmares and insomnia get much worse. If you are unable to connect me or help me I completely understand and will continue to seek help from any direction available to survivors of monsters. You have only ever been there for me Sylvia, and for that, I and my wife and son are eternally grateful to you and your organization. Since I do not believe in a god any longer the best way for me to end my rather lengthy letter is to wish you peace and happiness without expressing that word I have no clue as to what it actually means to us humans.

    • Sylvia says:

      I contacted the above victim to ensure that he wants his comments posted publicly. Yes, he does. I urge those of you who understand his plight to reach out to him and help him through this difficult time.

  59. A Victim/Survivor says:

    Thank you Sylvia, you are truly a genuine human being with the caring and faith in a higher power I unfortunately do not possess. If anyone has any help, ideas, or tricks to move me in a better direction, I would be eternally grateful. I would give anything to feel even a remote or fleeting emotion of joy or happiness that I have not felt in almost 2 years now. Peace escapes me and I need to let my wife and child know that the man she married is still here inside my somewhere.

    A victim/survivor

    • Bob LeDrew says:

      Dear Sir:

      I’m not a victim of clerical abuse. But based on my own life experiences, I think I have some understanding of the effects of that sort of action on the people targeted by these predators.

      I don’t have any magic charms or anything to heal you; my only advice is to find a professional you can connect with and who has specialized experience and training in PTSD and childhood trauma. It’s my (untrained) opinion that such violations leave scars that aren’t like other traumas. Look for someone like this : (note: I do not know this psychologist; I use her as an example of the sort of wording you’re going to look for).

      Also, you may have to go through several therapists to find the right one. I certainly have; I can’t precisely explain why my current one works better for me than previous ones, but she does. If you’re not feeling comfortable or safe, or if you don’t feel you’re getting what you need, have an open discussion with the person. If he or she won’t engage in that discussion, then you NEED to leave.

      Final thought: you may never be “the man she married” again. But with help and time, you can be a person that you can accept. If that can happen, you can then fulfil whatever expectations you hold for yourself as a partner, father, etc.

      Good luck to you.

    • Joe Barriault says:

      I don’t really know how much therapy has helped me….. but proper medications have helped tremendously with PTSD…… WAIT,,, therapy has helped in that I can now talk about it without a breakdown, where as before I would avoid the conversation and if pushed I would retreat or lash out physically…. talking is more effective.

      • A Victim/Survivor says:

        I have two therapists and a family Dr all who have been very supportive, my meds help but the tools the psychotherapist and psychologists and family Dr have been instrumental in “grounding me” and pushing me forward just a little at a time. Thank you for your words, Joe

    • Miecul says:

      In what area do you live? Pembroke, Ottawa, Mattawa etc…..

      • A Victim/Survivor says:

        I now live in a small village near Grand Bend Ont, this abuse happened in Ottawa beginning in 1964 for 2 years. Why did you want this information Miecul, if you don’t mind? I am currently in litigation, hopefully nearing the end sometime in early spring 2018. I do know of other children but I am unable or forbidden to say anything including names or initials of these abused boys from back then. 53 years ago, and I hurt more and more as each month passes. ok I wont say more I am upset once again and this is not supposed to be…. I’ll do some grounding right now and hope that I can relieve a little of the stress…peace to you

        • Miecul says:

          I thought if you lived close enough we could meet. You are too far away. I live in the Pembroke area. Hug your wife and keep her close and share your feelings with her.

          I still have a tough time of it. The Discovery brings up hidden memories your brain turned off long ago. The defense makes you relive it all over again. Maybe someone else will see this post and live in your area and reach out. Stay strong brother. The sharp edge of the knife will dull again.

          • A Victim/Survivor says:

            Miecul, your kind words bring me some comfort, I haven’t really thought much about the discovery/nightmares connection until now. The nightmares are more horrible each time I manage to get enough REM sleep, I only hope that these dreams/nightmares/night terrors are not hidden or blocked memories. If they are then I am in far more trouble than I could imagine. My wife, and thankfully my very best friend ever, tries to help me understand them, and also hopes that these dreams are just that dreams with no substance. After so long of me not being able to touch my wife when we go to bed, I have begun a new grounding technique where I try to at the very least touch her hand or arm, some part of her body, we spoke about it tonight and I asked her why when I do try to touch her she pulls away or pushes my hand away. I had no idea that she, in her own words, is “learning to allow me to become more touchy feely when we go to bed”. How could I not see that coming? How and why would I think that I could just start over again without consulting with her first. Selfishness is the only thing that comes to mind, my selfishness not hers. While I do hug her often and say nice things to her because she deserves them, I am still uncomfortable saying I love you. I just have no idea what that word love means, it is just a word, like any other word if you say it enough times it becomes undefinable. My wife deserves better than I am able to give her, but she does see an improvement in me and my behaviour.

            I have lots of family in Ottawa still, even a couple of cousins in Arnprior and Deseronto and Napanee where my dad and my grandparents are buried. I try to visit their gravesides at least once a year My mom is buried in Almonte, and also try to make it to her graveside once a year or more, my brother lives in Ottawa and all my nieces and nephews live in the capital as well. Maybe one day during the summer of 2018 we could have that opportunity to meet, If you are still interested that is. Sylvia has my email address and my phone numbers and should you like to contact me, you have permission to ask Sylvia for them. Thank you for reaching out to me, it feels like someone else does give a damn and doesn’t question my authenticity. One of the biggest reasons I have difficulty telling people I know, and even some family members. They would likely disown me, or at the very least consider me a liar. They would have good reason for both after the life I lived, I know I would. Thanks again Miecul.

  60. jg says:

    1)Over the last 2 months my wife has had to awaken me
    2)I see my therapist tomorrow
    3)The question I ask is What is Love?
    4) I made you a promise a long time ago, same one I made my wife, brothers and family Dr and therapist that I would not harm myself or if I came up with a plan to do anything foolish, I would call or go and seek help from the appropriate services in my village or close by city.

    If your despair is real, forgive me for doubting momentarily but you will understand that the internet as a certain amount of inherent fiction attached to its core. Your connection to Sylvia is good enough to tip the scale right now.

    the four items listed are just what I see in your message and your own words that should make you feel better about your situation. First of all, your wife is with you, at least two months, and maybe that is where to look first. Sometimes Love is just a cup of tea left on your night table when you rise from your mid-afternoon coma with your head between the pillows…Every grand accomplishment starts with a small gesture. You are only required to pay attention to the little things and pretty soon a house is built, a home is refreshed.
    The second thing, you have to be sure you pay attention to the pain of others close to you. They may not be able to process all your pain, the lifting becomes too painful and backs are broken along with the two spirits. Two shackled hearts loose site of Love and the tea cup becomes too heavy. So, put this in your lucky jar, you have a therapist! A person who will listen to you with some detachment, enough so that they can call it a profession and establish the distance that can hurt the Loved ones, like the tea person and the others nearby, if you have children! Concentrate on the positive times with your family and they will show you a direct line to your more positive being.
    Number three, about Love, it is a lifetime of questions and you will find your own answer if you pay attention. The journey is the message.
    Finally, I think you are doing better than you think and you should be proud that you chose life because the other way, hurting yourself, will keep you from getting to enjoy the first three and just passing on your nightmares to your wife, children, friends, therapist,….and on, and on.
    Just be patient with yourself and others, find some quiet time in the day to congratulate yourself. You are pretty extraordinary as we all are when we survive the worst and simply appreciate the gift Life is.
    I am a survivor of a different kind, with a lot of pain I have managed to mold into happiness in just living every day amid a thousand questions about how to become a better person, happier, with some purpose. I start over every day!
    As a teenager I didn’t see a reason for living, I didn’t want to bring children in this horrible world, I had no purpose. One day at a time the gifts kept coming as soon as I started to look ”around” me. I am a proud father and grandfather who has more life behind than I have left ahead. I have learned to work on the thing I can control and not be so judgemental of my weaknesses and shortcomings. I have learned to forgive myself for not being as perfect as I wanted and I also forgive this imperfect world. We have to continue working at it and that journey only makes sense when you look back.
    What happened to you wasn’t your fault:period. Remember that every day until it doesn’t show up as strongly on your radar, until the positive has taken over.
    Congratulate yourself for coming this far. As you climb this mountain, once in a while look around to consider how far you have come and just remember you are not the first one coming this way because none of us could fly either.
    See you at the top, however long it takes.You are on your way.

    Oh! By the way, if you work at it in the daytime , the positive stuff, your nightmares can turn into more positive experiences; I had a dream this morning about a baseball game I was involved in, although I was never much of a ball player. However, I had a special treat last night when I saw a picture of my grandson holding up a trophy for the hockey tournament his team just won. (Hockey was my Love growing up but I had to forget about it…)
    Very proud of him, of his life, of what he is and will become with his parents help and our Love. The teenager could never have envisioned this!

    Love is not just a word but a lot of people are not paying attention.
    Pay attention and stay hopeful. The rest of it is just a distraction and you have to see through it.
    I hope this helps a little.
    Don’t forget to hug your wife everyday, at least once a day. She needs it too.
    Thank your therapist and don’t limit the questions. Let her listen as long as she wants to…
    All information you gather today is subject to be reevaluated tomorrow and everyday thereafter, even this bleep! Enjoy the journey and you will come out of it fine.
    Take care.

    • A Victim/Survivor says:

      I have read and re-read your words, while I try to disseminate what you have said I have concluded that you have some real insight into whichever demons have hurt you and your family. I’ve dealt with this nightmare for 52 years now, sometimes knowing what happened and often just electing to not think about it. the trigger that set me off 2 years ago showed me the extent to what those horrific monsters where capable of doing to children, the anger I felt has never gone away. I feel cheated by my lawyers for “just settling” when I want my story told to a jury. I know that this is just old information now and that no one really cares about what happened to a 10 year old boy more than 50 years ago, feeling cheated produces even more anger inside me, it has taken everything from me, my hatred for myself the catholic church, the priest who abused me does not abate. my nightmares are only increasing, with scenes more horrifying than the last. I cry every day now, alone and and lonely, if that makes sense, wanting this to be over NOW will never ever happen, wanting to go to jury trial will not happen either, my wonderful and supportive wife has told me multiple times I will not survive another 2 or 3 years of this ordeal and that settling with the church is my only real choice. My therapists, yes I have two of them along with the most amazing and supportive family Dr, of more than 25 years now, have all suggested that I go to Homewood Sexual Assault therapy in Guelph for the 6 week inpatient therapy. I’ll take a mortgage on my home to pay the 15k cost of the sessions, with my only hope that it will help me try to get past this. I still do not know what love is, yet I say it each day to my wife and son because they need to hear it, I feel like a liar and a coward. I find little or no joy in any part of my life, but I do try hard not to look and be so depressed that my family avoids me, I couldn’t stand that so being a liar and a coward seems to work for me to keep life around my home livable. I also understand that all my words here may not make a lot of sense to those that take the time to read them and read between the lines, I’m not trying to play games JG.I truly hurt so much inside that the thoughts of suicide are ever present, I want so much to allow my family to enjoy a life that doesn’t include having to come home to me and my depression. I’ve made a promise not to do anything silly and will keep it as long as I am able. Guelph seems to be one of my last opportunities to try and try and begin a life that I wasted. I am a weak man now, unable to appreciate even the simplest of joys. I know i sound like a man who just feels so sorry for himself that most people would just say oh get over yourself smarten up do the manly things that you have to do to maintain even a small modicum of respect for myself. they are right, I ought to be able to do this on my own, but as I said above I am a coward and afraid of another failure. Thank you for speaking to me and giving me your take on a few things, like what is love. I am not sure I have ever experienced it myself, however I do say it because that is what family needs to hear, I hug my wife and my son, mostly because I worry about them and what I have done to them over the last 2 years, presumably this also makes me a bad person for not being true to them. With some sort of luck, kharma or whatever one may call it, one day I can become a better, real, happier person who can find some joy in life and maybe just maybe I might be able to impact another person’s life in a positive and helpful way. I believe if that could happen with me I could turn a corner and see the real Randy I am, to share important and good things to family and yes even strangers alike. Thank you JG for your timely and truly honest response to me. The others above also gave me pause to think, your message came through loud and clear so thanks for that again.


    • A Victim/Survivor says:

      Hi again JG, please do not worry that I have glommed on to you with all of my replies. I also wanted to tell others that I went to catholic school in Ottawa back in the early 60’s. We had nuns and priests who taught us along with some lay teachers. The nun’s who taught, were also the principles and assistant/vice principles. These purportedly christian people were the disciplinarians, students who disobeyed even had the slightest minor infractions were brutally beaten by the nuns, never the priests and rarely by the lay teachers. The nuns seemed to have no compunction to deliver the strap, the thin edge of the wooden yardsticks or even their fists to hurt us young children to show us the “fear of god” we had to know. going to hell was the ultimate punishment so being disciplined by any means available to those nuns was a far better punishment than having to go to hell for our bad behavior. Humiliation by all teachers seemed to be a very good way to show the rest of the students that this could happen to you for speaking out in class or chewing gum. Chewing gum and getting caught resulted in the student having the place the chewed gum on their nose for the remainder of the day, removing it or it falling off resulted in physical punishment. I was in grades 4, 5, or 6, I was a tiny boy, who for the most part did pretty well in school, until the priest began the abuse, making me an alter boy and treating me as a very very special boy did nothing to stop the nuns from beatings us for the smallest infractions. I enjoyed school, until the abuse, we moved from that parish to a new parish, by that time my grades slipped a lot. I failed grade 7, became a young alcoholic, started smoking grass and hash and became a very bad boy, I disliked school from that point, I left school after we moved to Toronto in grade 10 and became a hellion and cared about nothing except self gratification from any drug I could get my hands on, kicked out of my home at 17 and left to fend for myself only made my life worse and naturally moving towards the most foolish part of my life. My story goes on and on and there is so much more to it that I am sure people would or could only believe that I am lying or making this stuff up. Fortunately through my church’s discovery back in July 2017, virtually every single thing I spoke of had been documented, and where the church was able to find this private information still amazes me my wife, even my lawyers and brothers were dumbfounded on all of this information dug up by their researchers. While the ending of this litigation appears to be coming to an end sometime this spring, I am still angry that I do not get to tell, anyone, someone all that has transpired. a settlement seems like such a wrong and easy way for the church to get out of paying for that priests crimes, I believe that the media, if they even care now, deserve to tell this story, but with non disclosure being the most important issue for the church to own, I have no chance to tell what happened to me and to many of my friends who were raped, abused and humiliated by this so called man of god. the arch diocese gets away with it again and the priest, now deceased after committing suicide also gets away without paying for his many additional crimes. I’m sorry for going on and on yet again JG, I won’t bother you again about this, I just felt like I needed to get one last thing off my chest. Sylvia will moderate this last posting and however she decides to edit will be fine by me and my wife, she, my wife, has been reading and helping with my recalling, I am older now and my memory is not as clear as it was two years ago after watching Spotlight…the trigger that began this entire ordeal. Thanks once again JG, and please accept my apology for taking up more of your precious time

  61. Michel says:

    I too understand what you are living. I am 61 years old now and the memories of 1964 still are with me, but now after years of therapy and many books and reading and my Faith in God I am on the mend. You have a understanding wife and for that you are very lucky. I have a very understanding partner of 31 years and it was him who helped me the most with his patience and understanding My Case is over after many years but I must tell you that even after all the legal stuff is over you will still have the memories. The memories will always be there – they will never die. What you will discover however is how you learn to deal with these memories and only time will heal. I say this only from experience. I also was very abused physically by the Nuns and simply for being left handed. You ask what is LOVE, there is no answer to that in my opinion, to me Love is what you make it. There is no magic answer, no Super Therapist, no Counselling Groups for Us, and if so, then there are Few. I live in the Sarnia area and believe me there is nothing here in the area that I was able of find short of trying to start one with the help of others, but even that was futile. I think that the fact that you can talk about your Pain is very good. The fact that you have an understanding Spouse and Son is also very good. What REALLY helped me was reading about Survivors. You keep asking what is Love and I keep asking why were the Nuns never held accountable fort hat they did and all I was ever told was that in the 1960’s what they did to me was part of corporal punishment at the time and it was accepted behaviour. Do I think it is right, NO, do I think Nuns would be held accountable, will it ever happen, probably not, but I have accepted that until one day maybe in my lifetime Nuns will be held accountable. I am a survivor no longer a Victim and I no longer feel alone. The legal process is a long one and you must be prepared to wait and be patient otherwise it will wear you down. At the endow the day, what the Nuns did to me was equal to if not worse than what my Priest did to me, the only thing is Nuns got away with it, Up Until Now. Keep being positive, keep an open discussion with your Family but also remember that they are also living with this with you and they at times feel helpless in helping you. There were time when I know my partner was ssoooo frustrated because there was only so much he could help me with. I hope this helps you understand that you are not alone and there will be many more after US, it is still going on and sometimes I think we can almost become numb to it as it is so rampant.

  62. A Victim/Survivor says:

    Hi Michael, thank you for responding, I had thought that my previous posts here had either upset people or that they were uninterested in yet another story of abuse that happened more than 50 years ago. it is still fresh in my mind, the end is not so near any longer, we, my family and I are not yet prepared to go to settlement, there is too much therapy ahead, I have spoken with my Dr and we have decided that Homewood should be considered soon,. over the last month or so, I have seen my family Dr and therapist, life has gotten somewhat better for our family. the nightmares/dreams have lessened, I am seemingly feeling better, I am retired from work now, although this is not what I wanted. unable to do any kind of employment where there was any kind of stress, retiring was, at the time, my only real option. This too has it’s consequences, far too much free time, so to speak, leaving me too much time to dwell on the most negative parts of my current life while ignoring the positive or good things that happen all around me all the time. I know that this has been all about me, all of the time, it has taken me a very long time to see how selfish I have been and for the most part still am. over the last month, working with my Dr and therapist I have finally come to understand that this entire nightmare isn’t only about me, I am embarrassed, upset and angry that it has taken so long for me to finally understand and to look back and see how much more damage I have caused my family. After speaking with my family Dr , he has helped me take a new tack, changing direction, focusing more on the positive parts of our family without hiding from what happened to me some 50 odd years ago. I have found that over the last week, even, that I can enjoy some things, albeit small things. At first I had to force myself to do something, anything to get my mind off what happened and to move towards what will happen in the near future, small things can turn into larger things that can help one overcome some of the sh*t that prevents me from enjoying life. Today I laughed with my wife, I had forgotten what that felt like, it made me feel good, it made my wife feel good, I saw it in her face. This after a nasty week, my wife’s mom had a heart attack and also got viral pneumonia….my problems seemed so minor and I understood that life around my home isn’t all about me and what happened, I am able to see more of the big picture now. No, like you said earlier, the memories will never go away Michael, but they can be less in my face if I let other things, also important, in, letting go or even just making myself move on to other important family issues, lessens or helps loosen the reins on what happened to me so long ago, will help me. I liked laughing, I had forgotten what that felt like, I am a survivor and not so much a victim now, I let myself be a victim for so long that nothing else mattered, feeling sorry for myself became a full time job. That priest was winning, this isn’t what is supposed to happen is it? It has taken me too long to realize that I was allowing this, so now it is my time to take control and live, the pity party has to end sometime, I just wish that someone could have kicked me in the butt and got me started a long time ago. I blame no one and can only thank my therapist for pointing me in the direction I need to go, I am grateful, beyond words, for this and hope that this is a new beginning or at the very least a start to mending my broken spirit. Knowing this direction can only help my family and me. Therapy, meds and family, trying to stop feeling sorry for myself, forcing myself to look at life differently and stop being the victim is truly the only route I need to take to begin living again. My family deserves better than what I have given them over the last 2 years. They, my family, have been so very strong while I have done just the opposite, this isn’t only about me, it never ever was, taking 2years to see this has been an extraordinary waste of time and done nothing to help in recovery. I suppose that this epiphany is better late than to never have come along, I am grateful, but sad it has taken such a toll on us all. My mantra now is to try each day, to make life a little better for us, even just a little, until I am able to put more of this behind, to laugh a little more, to treat my family much better, to stop pitying myself so much and to stop being the victim, this can only make life a little sweeter and less damaging, making retirement what it is supposed to be, the golden years when we all are supposed to be enjoying ourselves and not making life so miserable for everyone around.

    I put my thoughts on paper here, and I am not sure that it all makes sense to anyone else but me, but I do feel better, about myself and my situation. The fact that I will try hard not to be a victim and will also try very hard to do the right thing for my family and myself will be at the forefront of my thoughts from now on, gives me hope. This is something I had very little of for most of my adult life, that is going to change, I’ll be a better man if I do this, I deserve it, so does my family. Time to grow up, this time the correct way, no more wallowing in self hatred, self pity, shame, guilt and every other damn thing that has prevented me from being a person. I want to be happy and at least somewhat content with the remaining years we have together.

    So thank you for your response Michael, I know I went a little overboard with my reply to you, but after writing this I do feel better, and more confident than ever that … I CAN DO THIS, and it can turn into a very good thing for my wife and me. I still do not know what love is, I doubt I ever will. I am not truly sure that I have ever experienced it in the first place, but maybe one day, will find out if there is such a thing….Thank you for listening once again.

  63. Michel says:

    u r welcome! Just remember to follow through on those promises to yourself. You are never alone and remember there are worse cases out there than you and I have gone through. We are still here on this earth, many have taken their lives over their trauma. Focus on today, yesterday is gone, over, done and tomorrow is another day. We cannot change the past but we can sure change the future! Go for long walks, I learned to do this and it is so therapeutic.

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